More and more women are quietly sharing their experiences with me: workplace bullying between women is far more common than anyone wants to admit. Over the years, I’ve watched many brilliant women get undermined, excluded, and bullied at work by female colleagues and leaders. And I’ve experienced it myself.
There are several coined terms for it: Queen Bee syndrome. Tall poppy syndrome. Plain old mean girl behaviour. It’s something I don’t really want to write about if I’m honest, and seemingly very few people want to talk about because it feels disloyal to the sisterhood. But staying silent isn’t helping the knackered midlife women who are questioning their competence, crying alone in their cars, wondering if they’re going mad, or unsure how much longer they can cope. Women report MORE distress from incivility in the workplace by other women than by men. It hurts more when it comes from someone who you think should have your back. This blog talks about why it happens, what it can do to you, and what you can do about it if it does.
Woman-on-woman Workplace Bullies
You’ve just come back from maternity leave. Or you’ve hit midlife. Or you’ve finally got that promotion you’ve been working towards for years. And suddenly, the woman who’s supposed to be supporting you is making your life hell.
There is one thing that is hard to admit in the public sector: some of our worst bullies are women. And often, they’re the women in leadership positions who some people might say should know better.
Why Workplace Bullying Between Women Hurts More
I’ve worked with enough brilliant women in the NHS, local government, and across the public sector over 30 years to know this is happening far more than anyone admits. It’s like a secret we’re all carrying around, because acknowledging it feels like betraying the sisterhood. It’s hard to admit that, yes, there has been, and continues to be, poor treatment of women by men in positions of power, but that many women report that the bullies they have faced in work have more often been other women than men.
The Silence Around Women Bullying in the Workplace
Staying silent isn’t helping anyone. It’s certainly not helping the talented women who are being undermined, excluded, or outright bullied by women colleagues or bosses – and who are suffering in silence because they feel they can’t name it without seeming disloyal to other women. Here’s what makes it worse: research shows women report more distress when they experience incivility from other women than from men at work. It hurts more when it comes from someone who you think should have your back.
What Woman-on-Woman Workplace Bullying Really Looks Like
This isn’t about robust challenge or healthy disagreement. I’m talking about:
- Being systematically excluded from meetings and decisions
- Having your ideas dismissed or stolen, then presented as someone else’s
- Passive-aggressive communication that leaves you second-guessing everything
- Being undermined in front of your team or peers
- Experiencing the cold shoulder treatment or being frozen out of informal networks
- Having your competence questioned constantly despite a track record of delivery
- Being set up to fail with impossible expectations or inadequate support
- Nitpicking everything you do while overlooking the same behaviour in male colleagues
In the public sector, where resources are stretched, and everyone’s knackered, workplace bullying between women is often minimised as “personality clashes” or “stress,” when in reality it causes deep psychological harm. These behaviours are often excused as “just her style” or “that’s how she is with everyone.” But that doesn’t make it acceptable, and it certainly doesn’t make it hurt less. And everyone else thinks she’s brilliant because she’s got all the right language about empowering staff and wellbeing, leadership development or integrity.
Meanwhile, you’re the one crying in the car on the way home.
The Patterns That Keep Showing Up
Queen Bee Syndrome: I’m Alright Jack
It’s a controversial term, first defined by psychologists at the University of Michigan in 1973, queen bee syndrome describes a woman in a position of authority in a male-dominated environment who treats subordinates more critically if they are female. This is the woman who’s made it to the top and now pulls the ladder up behind her. She’s often the only woman in the senior leadership team, and instead of championing other women, she actively blocks their progress.
You’ll spot her:
- She’s tougher on women than men
- She criticises women for things she overlooks in male colleagues
- She distances herself from women colleagues and won’t advocate for other women
- She describes herself as “not like other women”
- She’s matey with the male senior leaders, cold with women colleagues
- She reserves her mentoring and support for male protégés
Queen Bees are usually products of toxic, male-dominated cultures where they learned that success meant becoming “one of the boys.” They fought hard in hostile environments, often the only woman in the room for years. Now they see other capable women as competition, not allies.
Tall Poppy Syndrome: When Your Success Becomes a Problem
You deliver a successful project? She questions your approach.
Senior management notice you? She finds things to criticise.
You bring good ideas? She dismisses them, then presents something remarkably similar a few weeks later.
You maintain boundaries and work-life balance? Suddenly, you’re not “committed enough.”
Tall poppy syndrome is about cutting down anyone who stands out or succeeds. It’s dressed up as concerns about “equality” or “not getting above yourself,” but really it’s about enforcing conformity and making sure nobody stands out. If you’re succeeding without burning yourself out, maintaining work-life balance, or bringing fresh approaches, you’re inadvertently showing up the “I had to suffer so you should too” mentality. I’ve seen brilliant women dim their own light because it’s easier than dealing with the backlash.
The Narcissist
Then there’s the genuinely narcissistic woman leader. And yes, men can be narcissists too, but when a narcissistic woman targets another woman, it’s particularly damaging. She claims your work as hers. She’s charming upwards, toxic downwards. Your competence threatens her, so she undermines it. She gaslights you constantly – “I never said that,” “You’re being oversensitive,” “That’s not what happened.”
Chaos follows her everywhere, and somehow you’re always the one blamed for not coping. She has favourites and scapegoats, and you’re never quite sure which you are today. The damage is huge. It’s not just that work becomes unbearable. She makes you doubt yourself completely.
When They Strike at Vulnerable Moments
Here’s what really winds me up. These bullies often have perfect timing. Just back from maternity leave? Perfect opportunity to question your commitment, treat flexibility like a special favour, give your projects away, make comments about baby brain or whether you’re “really serious” about your career now. The research is clear: women returning from maternity leave can face systematic discrimination. Managers sideline them, question their commitment, and quietly redistribute their responsibilities – and those responsibilities rarely come back.
Hit midlife? Suddenly, you’re “resistant to change” or “past it.” Your 25+ years of experience are reframed as being out of touch. People half your age with a fraction of your knowledge get brought in above you. Research shows midlife women face compounded discrimination – both age and gender bias hitting at once. Going through perimenopause? Any emotion and you’re “difficult.” People question your competence. Your health concerns get used against you instead of being supported. Women often feel dismissed when they raise menopausal symptoms, and some women managers use this to undermine them professionally. Just promoted? Watch her undermine your authority, exclude you from decisions, brief against you to other managers, and let you struggle without support. None of this is accidental. These are calculated moves by women who see you as a threat.
Why Some Women Bully Other Women at Work
I think about this a lot. Why do women who’ve faced and overcome barriers set out creating them for others?
Scarcity mindset:
When there are limited leadership positions (and let’s be honest, women are still underrepresented at the top of many public sector organisations), some women internalise the message that there’s only room for one of us. So instead of collaboration, it becomes competition. Every other capable woman becomes a threat rather than an ally.
Internalised sexism:
They fought so hard to get where they are in systems that weren’t built for women. They learned to succeed by distancing themselves from other women, by being “one of the lads,” by proving they’re not emotional or difficult. They’ve internalised the very prejudices they faced, and now they hold other women to impossibly high standards they don’t apply to male colleagues.
Insecurity & Threat Perception:
Sometimes, women who’ve fought tooth and nail for their position feel threatened by competent women coming up behind them, especially if those women are doing things differently or challenging the status quo. If you’re succeeding without burning yourself out or maintaining work-life balance, you’re inadvertently showing up to their “I had to suffer, so you should too” mentality.
Burnout and stress:
Public sector work is relentless. When someone’s running on empty, their worst qualities come out. That doesn’t make bullying acceptable, but it does explain why previously reasonable people can become toxic.
And sometimes…they’re just bullies:
Some women are genuinely narcissistic and need to be the star. Your success diminishes their spotlight. And sometimes they’ve worked out that the public sector is a perfect place to get away with behaviours that wouldn’t be tolerated elsewhere.
The Emotional and Physical Impact on You
This kind of toxic workplace bullying by other women is exhausting in a specific way. You’re already dealing with:
- Perimenopause or menopause symptoms
- Caring responsibilities that pull you in multiple directions
- Ageism that questions whether you’re still “dynamic” enough
- The exhaustion of decades in a system that’s increasingly broken
And now you’re being targeted by someone you thought would be an ally. Many midlife women tell me that workplace bullying between women feels more personal and more destabilising because they expected support, not sabotage. Rather than that woman having your back, instead, you’re dealing with constant anxiety, your confidence getting systematically destroyed, physical symptoms from stress, dreading work, questioning if you’re any good at your job, feeling isolated, and wondering if you’re going mad because everyone else thinks she’s wonderful.
You’re not.
And it’s not you.
The Queen Bee doesn’t want you at her level because you might outshine her or expose the compromises she made to get there. The tall poppy cutter resents your competence because it highlights what’s possible – and that threatens the culture of mediocrity and martyrdom that keeps everyone “in their place.”
What You Can Actually Do About Workplace Bullying Between Women
Name it:
Stop making excuses for her. A woman who consistently undermines, criticises, excludes and belittles you is a bully. Call it that, at least to yourself.
Write it down:
Track specific incidents with dates and details. This isn’t about building a case (though it might come to that) – it’s about validating your own experience. Recognising these dynamics for what they are can help you see that this isn’t about your worth – it’s about their insecurity.
Document everything:
Every incident, every email, every conversation. Dates, times, witnesses. Manipulative people are excellent at denying things that happened. You need evidence. Having a record helps you trust your own memory when someone’s trying to gaslight you.
Build your network:
She’ll try to isolate you. Don’t let her. Connect with women outside your immediate workplace who get it. This might be through professional networks, coaching, or trusted colleagues in other organisations. Evidence shows that social support is one of the strongest protective factors against the effects of workplace bullying. Build your own network of women who genuinely want each other to succeed – they’re out there, I promise.
Stop trying to win her approval:
You can’t. Nothing will be good enough because this isn’t about your performance. It’s about her need to dominate or her fear of being replaced. Save your energy.
Set boundaries:
This is hard when you’ve been socialised to be nice and not make waves, but it’s essential. “That’s not acceptable.” “I need that in writing.” “I want HR present.” You can be professional without being a doormat. Practice phrases like “That doesn’t work for me”, or “I need to think about that”, or simply “No.”
Don’t mirror the behaviour:
When someone’s being toxic in the workplace, the temptation is to fight fire with fire. Resist it. Take the higher road. Maintain your integrity and professionalism, even when they don’t. This isn’t about being the bigger person for their sake – it’s about protecting your own wellbeing and values. Don’t become a Queen Bee in response to being stung by one.
Refuse to shrink yourself:
If you’re experiencing tall poppy syndrome, keep shining. Your competence, your boundaries, your success – they’re not something to apologise for. The problem isn’t that you’re standing tall; the problem is the person wielding the shears.
Know your rights:
Bullying policies, whistleblowing protections, union representation. You have more power than you think.
Look after your health:
Seriously. Chronic stress from bullying causes real harm. Prioritise sleep, eating well, movement, whatever keeps you strong. Research shows self-care – physical activity, sleep, stress management – is crucial for mitigating the health impacts.
Get proper support:
Whether that’s occupational health, your union or professional body, HR or professional coaching – someone who understands workplace bullying and narcissistic behaviour. You need support that understands both the personal impact and the systemic issues at play.
Decide whether this is fixable:
Sometimes, a difficult relationship can be improved through honest conversation or workplace mediation. Sometimes it can’t. Be realistic about whether this female colleague is capable of change and whether the organisational culture will support that change. Queen Bees and tall poppy cutters are often enabled by systems that reward their behaviour or turn a blind eye to it.
The Hard Truth Women Need to Hear
I’m not going to lie to you. This doesn’t always end well. Studies show that workplace bullying between women triggers significantly higher distress than similar behaviour from men, and that’s before you even factor in the usual effects of bullying: anxiety, depression, sleep disruption, and physical symptoms that creep into every part of life. The effects can persist long after the bullying stops. Some of these women won’t change. The organisation might not deal with them because they’re brilliant at managing up, and senior leaders think they’re great. HR might be useless. Your union rep might tell you to wait it out. Your grievance might go nowhere because she’s covered her tracks, and you’re just “personality clashing.” You might do everything right – document, report, follow process – and still be stuck with an untouchable bully.
Here’s what nobody says: sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to move.
Different team, different organisation, sometimes different career path. That’s not failure. That’s wisdom. You’ve got to decide what you’re prepared to tolerate and for how long. Your health matters more than any job. Your mental well-being matters more than your pension. If the toxic workplace behaviour is making you ill, if your organisation won’t address it, if you’re dreading going to work every day – it might be time to lead yourself out of there. This is easier said than done when you’ve got bills and responsibilities. But I’ve seen too many brilliant women make themselves ill trying to survive toxic workplaces.
Don’t be one of them. The impact can last a long time.
We Need to Do Better & It Starts with Naming It
I’m not going to dress this up: another woman bullying you in the workplace is painful, complicated, and often feels impossible to address. But you deserve better. Your talent, experience, and leadership matter – and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your health and happiness because someone else is playing out their own issues through you. I hate writing this, but the truth is that the sisterhood isn’t automatic. It’s built through conscious choice, integrity, and the willingness to do better than what was done to us. You can’t control whether other women choose that path, but you can choose it for yourself – and that includes choosing to protect yourself from those who don’t.
We can break these patterns. Refusing to become Queen Bees ourselves is part of it, and so is celebrating tall poppies instead of cutting them down. What we need is women leaders who lift others up, who create space for multiple women to succeed, and who see other women’s achievements as proof that the system can work. We can be those leaders. But it starts with naming what’s happening and refusing to accept it as inevitable. You’re not being disloyal to women by calling out behaviour that harms women. You’re being loyal to the possibility of something better.
If you’re experiencing workplace bullying between women, you’re not imagining the impact: it’s real, and it’s damaging. You’re not too sensitive, too emotional, too difficult, or not good enough. You’re dealing with someone abusing their position and their power. You deserve better.
Mean Girls at Work – What to do next
If this resonates more than you’d like to admit, it might be time to check in with yourself.
Start with my Burnout Prevention Test, a quick, practical way to understand where you are right now.
And if you’re realising something needs to change but you’re not sure what your next step is, let’s talk. Book your Free Hello Call, and we’ll figure out your options together, whether that’s leading better where you are, or leaving well with your sanity intact.
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